Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Return of the Went

Continued from The Two Martinis and The Fellowship of the Pretty

WFW woke up on the morning of March 11th, her 28th birthday, not remembering exactly where she was...That is, until she heard Punkin screaming at the top of his lungs. "Ah yes, I'm at Nic's," she remembered, "and I want that god damned cat to SHUT THE FUCK UP!" (Nic: Amen to that! Try living with that bastard 24/7. It's a good thing he is cute, or I'd have made a pair of slippers out of him LONG ago.)

Nic got up and tried to shut Punkin up by sitting on him but he is fat and squishy and kept getting away. WFW closed the door to her room but it was no use. Punkin's voice ricocheted off of the ceiling and then the hardwood floor and back again. "This must be what Hell is like," she thought (Nic: Actually hell is listening to Punkin yell in one ear and The Man snore in the other. THAT is HELL! You are lucky I didn't get up and climb into bed with you!). WFW tried to go back to sleep but that was a bust too since her phone and laptop started ringing every few minutes with Happy Birthday phone calls, text messages and IMs (yes she sleeps with her laptop in bed with her, sound on). She rolled over and cried before she finally gave up, got up, took a shower, and threw on her sight seeing clothes to head to San Francisco.

And then there were three again but this time it was WFW, Nic and The Man.

The Fellowship had changed but the quest remained the same: Meet Wentworth Miller. Since he didn't show up, they decided they would go and find him but where was he? Where?

They weren't quite sure where to start looking but then The Man said "Let's look over there," for he is wise and a really good sport.

WFW and Nic were confused and asked "But why?" And then there it was...A sign!

"Oh Francis the Beige," WFW and Nic said, "we shall follow your magic finger to the ends of the earth..." As it turned out, the finger was pointing to San Francisco. What a happy coincidence; That's where they were going anyway!

Apparently, there are a lot of people in San Francisco. This was going to be harder than they thought.

Luckily, they visited on the one non-foggy day a year. Yay! Perhaps it was the Universe's way of saying Happy Birthday or maybe it was Nic's good weather voodoo. Either way, it was lovely. They drove up to "lookout point."

They searched and searched for Went but he was nowhere to be found. Since there were lots of other people around, they decided to ask them if they had seen him. Most thought they were completely insane, but a couple of awesome guys wanted to know where he was too and joined the cause. (Nic: I'm still in the market to be a hag, so if any gay boys are in need please let me know)

The guy on the right never misses an episode of Prison Break and "just loves Wentworth Miller." When WFW told him the name of the site, he said "Naughty girl...I love it!" (Went has some seriously rockin' fans).

Zooming in with their cameras from on high, they saw a rainbow flag. With tears in her eyes, WFW said, "Yes! We shall start there!" (WFW is a gay man...Inside.)

Castro aka Gaytown USA was as wonderful as one could imagine. Big butch men with tiny little dogs, a bar full of men in tiny little shorts, Femmes with huge german shepherds, butch couples hand in hand and thumpa thumpa pouring out of a club in the middle of the afternoon. It was like WFW had died and gone to gay heaven (Nic: Gay Heaven is decorated reeeeealy nice). But one important thing was missing, Went. Where the hell was he? (Nic: Hell? I thought we were in Gay Heaven…*confused* *shrugs*)

So they searched for him. They asked random strangers if they watched Prison Break and if they had seen Wentworth b/c clearly, he was hiding from them. Some found them amusing, some thought they were nuts and finally after finding no one walking the streets that knew who he was, they decided to check the bar with the men in tiny shorts. Nic was very excited to meet them "Gay boys in shorts! Gay boys in shorts! Weeee!" *jumping up and down clapping!*

[This is where their picture SHOULD be] Why oh why didn't they get a picture of them? I'll tell you why, b/c Nic was too busy staring at their eyelashes. What is it with her and shiny eyelashes?

They walked up to a group of them and asked, "Do you guys know who Wentworth Miller is?" The beautiful men in short shorts looked baffled, as if they had just asked them how to get a woman off. WFW asked in disbelief, "You don't watch Prison Break?" and one replied "I watch Grey's Anatomy..." and then another called out "Desperate Housewives..." and another shouted "Project Runway!" WFW looked on, amused but slightly in shock that these men had absolutely no idea who Wentworth Miller was. WFW and Nic thanked them for their time and left in search of someone in Castro who had heard of Went. After several more attempts, Nic and WFW were still unsuccessful. (Maichan told them later, that if only they had mentioned that he was the dude from the Mariah Carey videos, they may have found someone. Nic would have loved to have seen their faces when they googled him later and saw how fucking hot he was. WFW and Nic, spreading Wentlust all across the country). They decided to leave b/c while Castro was heaven, it was Wentless and what kind of heaven would that be?

They drove around town looking closely to make sure Went wasn't walking the streets. They saw steep hills, pockets of shade made by buildings so tall they blotted out the sun, skinny tall houses

and cable cars (while Over My Head aka Cable Car actually played on the radio, knowing Nic, she planned that). They saw the gate to Chinatown (and had they known of Went's thing for Asian chicks, they totally would have ransacked the place as they now believe that is where he was hiding out getting massages with happy endings),

Miller St. (They checked, he wasn't there),

and then...WFW saw HIM! "It's him! It's him!" WFW screamed. "Follow that bus!" Nic shouted to The Man. The Man swerved through traffic, mowed down pedestrians and cut people off to catch it (That's why Nic keeps The Man around) and then...*monks singing hallelujah*

They saw him...and he was fingering...He was beautiful! WFW and Nic drooled; The Man? Not so much...After Nic and WFW licked the side of the bus several times, they pressed on, in search of the REAL Went.

Next stop, The Pier, but first refreshment. They went to a coffee shop but WFW, remembering the horror that was the caramel dolce whatever-the-fuck she had in L.A., decided on a water...to be safe. They walked out...

But he wasn't there either. DAMMIT! This was getting frustrating and just when their spirits were about to break, something interesting happened: Inanimate objects joined the search and asked the question everyone wanted to know "Where is Went?"

Went, the pirate wanted some of your booty. I know how you feel about pirates who are too forward, but I promised I'd pass that along.

Then two wonderful young ladies asked us what in the world we were doing and we told them "We're looking for Went!" They joined the cause b/c dammit, they wanted to know where the hell he was too. And even though the girl on the right has only seen "a couple of episodes of Prison Break," after the Castro fiasco, that was good enough.

Went, The police officer did indeed have a gun in his pocket but he would also have been happy to see you. Again, I'm only the messenger. Don't shoot me. (Nic: You're killing me! Pun intended.)

And then, like magic, there he was again! And so they did the only sane thing, they took fan pics with him. They figured, this might be the closest they ever get.

Look at him...Taunting us..."You can't catch me I'm the gingerbr...uh...Gapworth man."

Sneaky fucker. They decided to keep looking and so did everyone else.

Wentworth, when black people who are painted silver want to know where you are, you have arrived my friend.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you SKULLS!

but not on silk...WFW and Went are made for each other!

The sun was setting and still, no Wents.

Then they realized they never checked Alcatraz! Doh! Of course! That's GOT to be where he is!

But since they couldn't get across the water to take a look (Nic forgot to get tickets, she sucks), they could only assume he was hiding behind some rocks or something and it probably looked something like this:

"No one can see us! We're invisible!"

As they walked away from the pier, there were shapes in the distance...

"Is that you Wentworth?"

Unfortunately, it was only Sealworth who performed for his audience in Went's absence. Someone get that seal an agent!

They resigned themselves to the fact that they might never find him and so they celebrated WFW's birthday the only way WFW knows how...With drinks.

You would think this would have fucked them up, but no my friends, for their burgers were so big, juicy and delicious that they soaked all that liquor up! They would have had another one of those huge drinks but the place only allowed you to order one. Stupid rules!

On the way out, this blonde chick in a bikini shouted out "WHERE IS WENT?"

We told her that even if we did find him, no way we were telling HER where he was. Little bitch...

The night was winding down and while passing a street vendor, WFW decided to get a portrait drawn. (She once had one that she got when she was in Paris; The artist was awesome and the drawing was lovely. Her stupid cleaning lady threw it out by mistake and for over 10 years she's been trying to get a replacement.)

For just $10, you too, can be drawn as a Middle Eastern child with big hair.

In her defense though, the eyes are dead on.

Despite the setbacks, the hunt continued and more joined the search party.

Went, The fireman wanted me to tell you, he has a big hose and is not afraid to use it. Nic told him she likes to watch. I think you should go for it.

With heavy heart, Wentless and defeated, WFW and Nic gave up the search and decided they would show Went exactly what he missed out on by not showing up:

And so the story ends, Went returned to them...On the side of a bus and in a Gap window. It was his way of reminding us all that he is always with us, even when he doesn't show up. And though WFW and Nic never found him, their love for him remains the same. The next day, Nic and The Man returned to The Shire and WFW sailed off to the Undying Lands. Nic had Punkin stowed away on the ship but WFW found him (he was yelling as usual) and threw him overboard; She can only assume he made it back to shore safely.

Upon hearing that a certain loud cat made an appearance on the blog, another cat demanded to be included.

But that, is another story...The End.