A song for Wentworth

Drunk Dialing with Wentworth Miller

After reading my letter, Wentworth finally gave me a call last night.

Me: Hello?
Went: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Me: Hello?
Went: It's me! You wanted a thank you so there it is!
Me: *silence*
Went: Are you there?
Me: I'm here...Are you drunk?
Went: Of course not. The rain in Spain falls mostly on the plains.
Me: Uh-huh. Well, while I have you, I was wondering if you have any projects lined up?
Went: MATT DAMON!
Me: Oooookaaaay. Well thanks for the thanks and all that.
Went: What are you wearing?
Me: Nothing.
Went: Girls are gross.
Me: I think you need rest Wentworth. I'm gonna let you go.
Went: Let me go? You should be posting bitch!
Me: Fuck you Went.
Went: You wish.
Me: Later dickhead.
Went: You still love me right?
Me: Yes, Went of course. I will post first chance I get tomorrow.
Went: I love you.
Me: I know.
Went: No I REALLY love you.
Me: *sigh* I love you too Went. Goodnight.
Went: *singing* Goodniiiiiiiiight

Dear Wentworth Miller

Today, it is with sadness that I realize that my love for you is fading. It's so bad Went, that I felt the need to say it. That's right, the party is almost over. Where the hell are you? Did you forget about the Upfronts?

Maybe it's the powers that be and not you. Maybe your heart is no longer with Prison Break (which we would all understand as Season 2 wasn't exactly good). Maybe you're no longer obligated to promote it. Or maybe you just don't want to be bothered and to that I say, BIG MISTAKE! Get your shit together or there will be no fans left! Who will be there to tell you that we know the difference between you and Michael Scofield? Who will be there to promote your ass even when you won't do it yourself? Who will be there to send you thoughtful questions when everyone else asks you about the tattoo? Who will send you gifts and then bitch about never receiving any acknowledgement? And yes, I plan to bitch from now until the end of the blog... and that time might be nearer than anyone thinks.

But I continue, and do you know why? I do it for YOUR fans, yes YOURS. These people are here for YOU. Look at all of the people all over the world that you have brought together. They are all here because of their love and admiration for you. Have you any idea how many cool people I've met, how many lasting friendships I've made, all because of you? Do you know that someone who has never heard of you, but walked the streets of NYC with us anyway, was impressed with the diversity and intelligence of your fandom? How many other actors are as lucky?

Paley was unfortunate and I know you had to work. Yes I bitched but it was mostly for comedic value. And I know you were not slated to appear at the Upfronts, we all just assumed... But what the hell were you doing that you couldn't come, Wentworth? Getting something at Borders? Dude, Harry Potter doesn't come out until July.

It's not the lack of appearances in and of themselves - or rather, it's not that the disappointment of missing you in person is affecting my judgement. It's everything. You win the "Catch me if you can" battle; I'm done with trying to meet you. But is an interview where you don't give prepared answers too much to ask? I mean, what are you, running for office? When you're asked how you feel about fan attention, instead of acting like you have no idea why people are so interested all of a sudden and saying "I've looked the same for 10 years," how about "It's flattering that so many people want to know so much about me and I appreciate their enthusiasm?" Seriously Went, you can do better, and if I can come up with that shit off the top of my head, you can too. I mean you DO realize that in those interviews you are speaking directly to your fans, right? Who do you think is reading and listening to this stuff? If you can manage to answer the tattoo question over and over, you CAN muster up something that does not resemble contempt for your fans. In the beginning, we thought you were just trying to retain an air of mystery and yeah, I understand your philosophy on how having people know too much about your personal life may affect the kind of roles you can pull off, but you have to give SOMETHING, Went. You can be a bit more accessible without inviting everyone to camp out on your lawn.

I know I'm just a girl with a blog and I won't pretend that your world will stop turning if I (or others) no longer hang on your every word. Shit, for all I know that might be exactly what you want. But if it isn't and you're not careful, you may lose the people you couldn't be bothered to give a shit about. Yeah, yeah, in the scheme of things, we mean nothing to you, but maybe we should. Maybe if you appeared more accepting of fan attention than turned off by it or even resentful of it, and you appreciated your position as Our Lord Pretty, the fandom would be fun again. Right now, It. Is. Not. Fun.

Maybe it's not fun for you running all over the place doing promotion, although for a fan, all they have is their moment, the moment they meet you and their perception of you (and yes, we know we don't know you). Maybe it's not fun having your gal pals ripped apart, but you do realize we are kidding right? I mean, we know how special one must be to even be in your company. After all, you are The Perfect One. And maybe it's no fun losing your anonymity, although you did sign up for this. I know it sucks that there are people like Billy Crudup and Edward Norton who can just disappear when they are not promoting something, but that's just not the kind of profile you have right now, and that's just tough shit. Part of being an actor on a hit show IS promotion; that's just the way it is. You can't expect to have the same street cred Billy or Edward have until you get enough roles under your belt and, let's be real, most people have only seen you in Prison Break. And don't even get me started on the fact that I have seen you in absolutely nothing else since or I may throw things at your head. What about promoting YOURSELF? You could use an interview on your hiatus to promote Wentworth Miller the man instead of Wentworth Miller of Prison Break. Why weren't you at any of the film festivals? Do you need new representation? I'm available. I'll even help you out with another interview answer: Rather than "I don't owe the fans any part of my personal life," how about saying "I understand that fans want to know more about me but I'm hoping that one day my body of work will speak for me?" And let me tell you something: We, your fans, are rooting for you. We are hoping that comes true for you. We want to see you go on to do great things because we CARE. We're not just in it because you're the Pretty of the Month. We want to see someone as intelligent, articulate, and funny as you in movies and shows because that is what they're missing, but you need to understand that that's where we're coming from.

You have great fans, so act like it. Don't get me wrong, everyone who has ever met you in person has had glowing things to say about you so you do great when you actually come out of your shell. Have fun with it for Goddess's sake or it could all be gone tomorrow. We all devote a significant amount of time to this fandom because we WANT to. Make us want to. I know you're probably blue steeling the computer screen right now but you needed to be told (and we haven't forgotten how you actually mentioned Blue Steel in Korea and I am clinging to that one moment like my life depends on it where fan love is concerned). I'm straying but you can fix it. I won't tell you how; you're a smart man, figure it out. Until then, I will be on hiatus too as I don't have much to say unless you pop your pretty little head out. You know where to find me.

WFW

P.S. Say hi to Amaury for me.

P.P.S. You always miss all the fun...



P.P.P.S. Omar hugged me. Jealous?

Because He Needed the Money

I will be away for the weekend and I probably won't be near my laptop much. If Went news breaks and I don't post about it, I hope to have a very very good excuse. In the meantime, I leave you with yet another one of Went's early roles that I never got around to posting. CAMP!



Be good

Pick One: TV Character Edition

After the Scarfalotta incident, I asked you to choose who you'd rather see Wentworth Miller with, Beigette or Scarfy and you chose *drum roll*: He should die alone. Well we can't have that can we? He's got to be with someone and since none of us can handle a real someone, how about a FAKE someone?

1. Claire Fisher Six Feet Under


When asked which TV character I was most like (personality-wise), this is the answer one of my closest friends gave so we'll start here but not just b/c our personalities resemble each other but b/c I fell in love with this character in the Pilot. She had me at hello. The first time she tries Crystal Meth, her trip is interrupted by the news that her father is dead so she has to drive to the hospital, high, and try to deal with something as heavy as death (although growing up in a funeral home it has always surrounded her anyway). One of my favorite characters ever on one of my favorite shows ever that had the best. finale. ever(Rome comes in a close second). She's an old soul, she's artistic, she's a smart-ass, she's a spazz, she takes risks, she's open-minded, she thinks for herself, she's strange, she just rocks. Think about it Wentworth...Your class; her sass. It would be a match made in heaven.

2. Brian Kinney Queer as Folk


If Claire is my favorite female character ever, Brian is my favorite male character ever. He had me at:

Brian: Where ya headed?
Justin: No place special...
Brian: I can change that

And change that he did. He IS special. He says what's on his mind, he's a realist, he's intelligent, he's got great taste, he's got great arms (he's got great everything), he'll always be young and he'll always be beautiful (*tearing up*), he's an awesome lay and he has a big heart he always tries to hide. Now while Brians' heart seems to be taken, that's not the organ he prefers to share anyway. Went, you need some action so why not let Brian break you off a piece of that FINE ass thing he's got goin on. Oh and do a girl a favor: Record it.

3. Charlotte York Sex and the City


So Went, maybe you're looking for someone a bit more traditional? How about Charlotte? She's old-fashioned, she's optimistic, she's well-bred, she's determined, she wants children too and while she can be annoying at times, her child-like enthusiasm is like a ray of sunlight through the clouds. When she walked out in that pink dress with her head held high after her miscarriage, I cried. The most reserved of the awesome foursome that lit NYC on fire and seared themselves into our hearts, I think she would be a good choice.

4. Peter Petrelli Heroes


Mmmmm Peter. He's cute, he's sensitive and you two have something very important in common: You've both made me cum. Let me show you how he managed it.



Did you see that shit? DID. YOU. SEE. THAT. SHIT? I was watching it in bed and I screamed at the top of my lungs, threw my head back, closed my eyes and came instantly. *shiver* This is why you need to be with him Went. He's a motherfucking Hero and like you, he glows. Well in a different way than you but...Oh and um, Check out Pete 5 years in the future, Can you say HAWT?



5. Blanca Selgado The Sopranos


What started as a fling, turned into something else, much to the chagrin of a Mafia first family. She's hot, she's Latina, she's newly single and she has a kid. You like kids right Went? Don't mind that pasty face brat in the picture; That's just A.J. That is SO over and he is crying like a BITCH about it too so you know her shit must be good. And even in that top, she beats your other gal pals.

6. Charles Brandon The Tudors


The hottest thing on The Tudors (after The King of course, props to his majesty), why couldn't that be me with him in the Pilot *biting lip*? He's sarcastic, He's got a HOT ass, your name would fit in wonderfully in his world, he has a great sense of humor, he has a TITLE for fucks sake. So what he married the King's sister; I'm sure he'd leave her for you! He is walking sex; You are walking sex. Charles, you cad, meet Went, he needs a good screwing. Show him what you'll do to him...

Henry Cavill Naked The Tudors
Uploaded by outnext

EXCELLENT...

7. Addison Montgomery Grey's Anatomy


The character with one of the most jaw dropping entrances in TV history is one I used to hate but now I love her (now that's character development). She's an Obstetrician which means she's hella smart, she's together, she needs a good man (let's just hope she doesn't cheat on you) and she's feeling lost b/c she's no longer into McSteamy and she can't have kids. She could use a little love in her life.

8. Dr. Eric Foreman House


Didn't your mother always tell you to marry a doctor? He's hot, he survived a weird illness and lived to tell the tale (just think of the first date getting to know you convo, bet you haven't heard THAT one before), he has a moral compass, and he has the same name as a certain TV smart-ass goof that comes to mind whenever someone says his whole name out loud (Whose idea was it to name him that?). He is definitely on the ball if he's on House's team and his IQ is probably higher than yours!

9. Bree Van De Kamp Desperate Housewives


My favorite housewife is anything but desperate. She knows how to handle a rifle, she knows how to keep up appearances, she can keep a secret (and letting someone die when you could have saved their life is a BIG secret), she's resourceful, she's a bit of an Ice Queen but you can be cold too when you want to be, she has great hair and she'll spank you and then make you muffins, she's well...perfect.

10. Dean Winchester Supernatural


The guy fights the supernatural for a living and he's an actor too! I mean, how could he pretend to be so many different things so convincingly if he wasn't (a cop, a convict, a PA, a reporter, the list goes on and on)? You have something in common! He's hot, he's cocky, he's hot, he drives a muscle car, he's hot, he's a bad ass, he's hot, oh and he loves his brother so he's a sweetheart too...and he's hot. Like you, he's all about family. If you won't take him I will!

11. Patty Bouvier The Simpsons


She's got a fro! Check it out! She doesn't need a man; I'm sure you find that a turn on. She's older, she smokes, she has a thing for TV characters who are good at getting themselves out of sticky situations (you play such a character on TV which I'm sure she'd appreciate that, Michael is no Macgyver but he's close enough). I see great things where this relationship is concerned.

12. Jack Bauer 24


It may be hard for him to let you in (pun intended) but he really does just want to protect you (there it is, another pun). He doesn't have much time for romance (although neither do you)...In fact he doesn't have time for much of anything. I've never seen him eat, shit, rest...You know, I'm not sure he's human which makes him PERFECT for you b/c you are not human either (You are too beautiful to be human)! Together you'd be unstoppable!

13. Alice Pieszecki The L Word


While I am an avid Shane-lover (Oh FUCK ME SHANE) and a Jenny-sympathizer (What a fucking mess that girl is), you can't help but LOVE Alice. When she told Jenny and Marina that they should just go off and get married, I knew I was in love. She's a writer, she's bi (a whole world of possibilities just opened up for you my friend), she's funny, she's pretty as hell and she's blonde...If I remember correctly, you do like your blondes.

14. Clark Kent Smallville


That's right, another Superhero for MY superhero; Only the best for my Wentworth! [girly voice]Went, you're my superhero.[/girly voice] He's freaking Superman and he only has one weakness so steer clear of the Kryptonite and you're golden (the green, not the red...I LOVE him on the red!). He has lasers for eyes, he can fly and if he can run that fast can you imagine how fast he could move...*is dead*

15. Catherine Willows CSI


Brains Beauty and Talent, a fantastic mix...She's smart (She's a fucking SCIENTIST man!), She's beautiful and she used to be a stripper so she knows how to work it but these days she makes money with her head...I mean her brain...I mean her mind although she probably could make money with her head (or brain) too. She's got one bad marriage behind her, she doesn't take shit and yes, if you ask nicely, she will wear the gloves. And although I am really still waiting for some Willows-Warrick action, I can accept her with you too.

So, which one?

Favorite Comment(s) of the Week

Lots of new people! Holy Shit!

• On Bean Pole isn't happy with WFW

Mallie said...

Bean Pole is LYING to you, it is not Went who wants the photos removed, it is Bean Pole! They just don't have the guts and are hiding behind Wentworth Miller like the little girls they are! LMAO!

They lied to the Korean fans about his arrival date and time too - it is obvious that they are very territorial over Wentworth especially for what they have paid for i.e. those photos. So, whilst Went is doing anything to do with PB, the company will guard all materials that come from that association with its life!

But blame NOT on Wentworth, it is Bean Pole!

Like the little girls they are? That totally explains the ads they went with on their site which last time I checked, were no longer there...Odd.

AND

shortstuff said...

ps: screw you, bean pole! *shaking fist heartily*

Nothing like a hearty fist shake to show people how pissed off you are. *joins in the fist shaking*

AND

AJ said...

Dear Head Honchos at BPJ,
You've just made yourselves look even more ridiculous, as if the clothes you're advertising hadn't already gotten the job done. Congratufuckinglations, asshats.

Sincerely,
AJ

*gives the finger, and rolls out... cuz that's how I do*

*fingering too* No wait...that wasn't what I meant to do but since I mentioned it, how bout we show Bean Pole what a REAL ad looks like:

Gap:1
Bean Pole:0

AND

Wentalivious said...

Maybe no one outside of Asia is supposed to know about the ads? I know celebs go over seas and rake in the cashola for quickie foreign commercials and advertisments, and hope no one over hear finds out so they can keep their "integrity" or something along those lines. Regardless, it ain't worth the drama, so don't stress it.

Although this is very very sad and a little pathetic, I just thought of something: You were in contact with people who are in contact with Went. Went might have come to this site. Went may have read some of my comments.

Oh my... *would be blushing (if a black girl could blush)*

If Went has been here I think he'd be the one blushing. I, would be laughing my ass off.

AND

BB said...

Wenty if you are reading this I am now wearing the hugest scarf ever -turn you on? Thought so....
(I have to try just in case he is reading this)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AND

the.red.head said...

what the fuck?


can you say bean pole has a pole up their asses?!


i sure think so!

*sticks pole up own ass* Yes I realize very few people will get this joke but it was right there in front of me; I had to.

• On Wentworth Miller you've been Slashed yet again

Vel got requests for Michael/T-bag and Michael/Mahone. The people have spoken.

silvia said...

Totally agree with the 2 comments above! xP
I'm not a slash fan but this one was pretty good!

(WFW u'r my herO! LMAO this is a so-fantastic-that-i-came-here-everyday kind of site! i luv it - of course went has a lot to do with this love for the site, but your posts just kick ass!- LOL)

cheers from portugal =P

So we're all going to hell; Awesome! That's where the party will be anyway and thank you so much!

AND

sanjanjanja said...

Hey WFW, i've been coming for quite a while and secretly enjoying the pics and words of wisdom from the great Went guru. So, finally I've come up with a little homework for you and I'm really interested in what you and the other Wentlovers will say. I was thinking about movie roles for our dear Pretty, and wondering what he would say to an offer for an action movie. Beeing a sucker as I am for gorgeous men in black tie, I would'n mind seeing him as the next Bond, especially if we get to see him coming out of the ocean in his trunks as in Casino Royale. But since Dear Wentie is well packed as we all very well know, what do you say about a latex costume, along the lines of Spiderman or Superman? Can you imagine the ripe and ripped Mr Miller saving the world and coming to our rescue? Mmm... That would be a whole new dimension of Went-crazed lust.

Bond you say? That has been discussed. I even picked out a couple Bond girls:



Perfection...

• On The Return of the Went

Mama Bear said...

Brava, bravissima ladies!!! Good show!!! Getting all those random people to join in on your quest was CLASSIC! It just goes to show you how Went makes the world go 'round!

*picturing Wentworth holding the world on his finger and spinning it like a basketball* Just think, he'd be fingering THE WORLD!

AND

Krissie said...

That is the best part! So far.
What? That's it? No more?
But... But... But...
WHERE IS WENT?!

*crying* I DON'T KNOW! *wailing*

AND

emily said...

you blacked out the cats' faces? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And now that the Gap and I are back together, I'm glad to see they provided you with some California Went sightings. Next time, I come with.

The blacked out cat faces were totally Nic's idea, as was the sign. She was the brains of the operation. The things we find funny are frighteningly similar sometimes. Another little known fact: The "I'm shutting down the blog b/c Went didn't show up to Paley" post was her idea too. We laughed 'til we cried when I posted it.

AND

Julie said...

Wow, WFW (and Nic) you two are some cwaizy bitches!!!

Lovely entertainment, you should write a book WITH PICTURES (and blanked out faces, of course!)

Happy Birthday (A little late, excuse me!!)

Julie a.k.a. jailbait

P.S.: I was cracked in two, laughing my ass off!

Jailbait, is that you? Thanks for the belated happy birthday wishes!

AND

rachhh said...

They saw the gate to Chinatown (and had they known of Went's thing for Asian chicks, they totally would have ransacked the place as they now believe that is where he was hiding out getting massages with happy endings)

he has a thing for asian chicks?? im asian! *hopes up high*

btw wfw, love u to bits. thanks for my daily dosage of wentness!

Oh hell yeah he does! Wentkorea taught us so many things...Oh and I love you too.

AND

Patty said...

You are so fucking entertaining!

I try my best...

As always everyone, thank you for your comments!

The Return of the Went

Continued from The Two Martinis and The Fellowship of the Pretty

WFW woke up on the morning of March 11th, her 28th birthday, not remembering exactly where she was...That is, until she heard Punkin screaming at the top of his lungs. "Ah yes, I'm at Nic's," she remembered, "and I want that god damned cat to SHUT THE FUCK UP!" (Nic: Amen to that! Try living with that bastard 24/7. It's a good thing he is cute, or I'd have made a pair of slippers out of him LONG ago.)



Nic got up and tried to shut Punkin up by sitting on him but he is fat and squishy and kept getting away. WFW closed the door to her room but it was no use. Punkin's voice ricocheted off of the ceiling and then the hardwood floor and back again. "This must be what Hell is like," she thought (Nic: Actually hell is listening to Punkin yell in one ear and The Man snore in the other. THAT is HELL! You are lucky I didn't get up and climb into bed with you!). WFW tried to go back to sleep but that was a bust too since her phone and laptop started ringing every few minutes with Happy Birthday phone calls, text messages and IMs (yes she sleeps with her laptop in bed with her, sound on). She rolled over and cried before she finally gave up, got up, took a shower, and threw on her sight seeing clothes to head to San Francisco.

And then there were three again but this time it was WFW, Nic and The Man.



The Fellowship had changed but the quest remained the same: Meet Wentworth Miller. Since he didn't show up, they decided they would go and find him but where was he? Where?



They weren't quite sure where to start looking but then The Man said "Let's look over there," for he is wise and a really good sport.



WFW and Nic were confused and asked "But why?" And then there it was...A sign!



"Oh Francis the Beige," WFW and Nic said, "we shall follow your magic finger to the ends of the earth..." As it turned out, the finger was pointing to San Francisco. What a happy coincidence; That's where they were going anyway!

Apparently, there are a lot of people in San Francisco. This was going to be harder than they thought.



Luckily, they visited on the one non-foggy day a year. Yay! Perhaps it was the Universe's way of saying Happy Birthday or maybe it was Nic's good weather voodoo. Either way, it was lovely. They drove up to "lookout point."



They searched and searched for Went but he was nowhere to be found. Since there were lots of other people around, they decided to ask them if they had seen him. Most thought they were completely insane, but a couple of awesome guys wanted to know where he was too and joined the cause. (Nic: I'm still in the market to be a hag, so if any gay boys are in need please let me know)



The guy on the right never misses an episode of Prison Break and "just loves Wentworth Miller." When WFW told him the name of the site, he said "Naughty girl...I love it!" (Went has some seriously rockin' fans).

Zooming in with their cameras from on high, they saw a rainbow flag. With tears in her eyes, WFW said, "Yes! We shall start there!" (WFW is a gay man...Inside.)



Castro aka Gaytown USA was as wonderful as one could imagine. Big butch men with tiny little dogs, a bar full of men in tiny little shorts, Femmes with huge german shepherds, butch couples hand in hand and thumpa thumpa pouring out of a club in the middle of the afternoon. It was like WFW had died and gone to gay heaven (Nic: Gay Heaven is decorated reeeeealy nice). But one important thing was missing, Went. Where the hell was he? (Nic: Hell? I thought we were in Gay Heaven…*confused* *shrugs*)



So they searched for him. They asked random strangers if they watched Prison Break and if they had seen Wentworth b/c clearly, he was hiding from them. Some found them amusing, some thought they were nuts and finally after finding no one walking the streets that knew who he was, they decided to check the bar with the men in tiny shorts. Nic was very excited to meet them "Gay boys in shorts! Gay boys in shorts! Weeee!" *jumping up and down clapping!*

[This is where their picture SHOULD be] Why oh why didn't they get a picture of them? I'll tell you why, b/c Nic was too busy staring at their eyelashes. What is it with her and shiny eyelashes?

They walked up to a group of them and asked, "Do you guys know who Wentworth Miller is?" The beautiful men in short shorts looked baffled, as if they had just asked them how to get a woman off. WFW asked in disbelief, "You don't watch Prison Break?" and one replied "I watch Grey's Anatomy..." and then another called out "Desperate Housewives..." and another shouted "Project Runway!" WFW looked on, amused but slightly in shock that these men had absolutely no idea who Wentworth Miller was. WFW and Nic thanked them for their time and left in search of someone in Castro who had heard of Went. After several more attempts, Nic and WFW were still unsuccessful. (Maichan told them later, that if only they had mentioned that he was the dude from the Mariah Carey videos, they may have found someone. Nic would have loved to have seen their faces when they googled him later and saw how fucking hot he was. WFW and Nic, spreading Wentlust all across the country). They decided to leave b/c while Castro was heaven, it was Wentless and what kind of heaven would that be?

They drove around town looking closely to make sure Went wasn't walking the streets. They saw steep hills, pockets of shade made by buildings so tall they blotted out the sun, skinny tall houses



and cable cars (while Over My Head aka Cable Car actually played on the radio, knowing Nic, she planned that). They saw the gate to Chinatown (and had they known of Went's thing for Asian chicks, they totally would have ransacked the place as they now believe that is where he was hiding out getting massages with happy endings),



Miller St. (They checked, he wasn't there),



and then...WFW saw HIM! "It's him! It's him!" WFW screamed. "Follow that bus!" Nic shouted to The Man. The Man swerved through traffic, mowed down pedestrians and cut people off to catch it (That's why Nic keeps The Man around) and then...*monks singing hallelujah*



They saw him...and he was fingering...He was beautiful! WFW and Nic drooled; The Man? Not so much...After Nic and WFW licked the side of the bus several times, they pressed on, in search of the REAL Went.

Next stop, The Pier, but first refreshment. They went to a coffee shop but WFW, remembering the horror that was the caramel dolce whatever-the-fuck she had in L.A., decided on a water...to be safe. They walked out...



But he wasn't there either. DAMMIT! This was getting frustrating and just when their spirits were about to break, something interesting happened: Inanimate objects joined the search and asked the question everyone wanted to know "Where is Went?"



Went, the pirate wanted some of your booty. I know how you feel about pirates who are too forward, but I promised I'd pass that along.

Then two wonderful young ladies asked us what in the world we were doing and we told them "We're looking for Went!" They joined the cause b/c dammit, they wanted to know where the hell he was too. And even though the girl on the right has only seen "a couple of episodes of Prison Break," after the Castro fiasco, that was good enough.



Went, The police officer did indeed have a gun in his pocket but he would also have been happy to see you. Again, I'm only the messenger. Don't shoot me. (Nic: You're killing me! Pun intended.)

And then, like magic, there he was again! And so they did the only sane thing, they took fan pics with him. They figured, this might be the closest they ever get.




Look at him...Taunting us..."You can't catch me I'm the gingerbr...uh...Gapworth man."



Sneaky fucker. They decided to keep looking and so did everyone else.



Wentworth, when black people who are painted silver want to know where you are, you have arrived my friend.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you SKULLS!

but not on silk...WFW and Went are made for each other!

The sun was setting and still, no Wents.



Then they realized they never checked Alcatraz! Doh! Of course! That's GOT to be where he is!



But since they couldn't get across the water to take a look (Nic forgot to get tickets, she sucks), they could only assume he was hiding behind some rocks or something and it probably looked something like this:



"No one can see us! We're invisible!"

As they walked away from the pier, there were shapes in the distance...



"Is that you Wentworth?"



Unfortunately, it was only Sealworth who performed for his audience in Went's absence. Someone get that seal an agent!

They resigned themselves to the fact that they might never find him and so they celebrated WFW's birthday the only way WFW knows how...With drinks.



You would think this would have fucked them up, but no my friends, for their burgers were so big, juicy and delicious that they soaked all that liquor up! They would have had another one of those huge drinks but the place only allowed you to order one. Stupid rules!

On the way out, this blonde chick in a bikini shouted out "WHERE IS WENT?"



We told her that even if we did find him, no way we were telling HER where he was. Little bitch...

The night was winding down and while passing a street vendor, WFW decided to get a portrait drawn. (She once had one that she got when she was in Paris; The artist was awesome and the drawing was lovely. Her stupid cleaning lady threw it out by mistake and for over 10 years she's been trying to get a replacement.)

For just $10, you too, can be drawn as a Middle Eastern child with big hair.



In her defense though, the eyes are dead on.

Despite the setbacks, the hunt continued and more joined the search party.



Went, The fireman wanted me to tell you, he has a big hose and is not afraid to use it. Nic told him she likes to watch. I think you should go for it.

With heavy heart, Wentless and defeated, WFW and Nic gave up the search and decided they would show Went exactly what he missed out on by not showing up:



And so the story ends, Went returned to them...On the side of a bus and in a Gap window. It was his way of reminding us all that he is always with us, even when he doesn't show up. And though WFW and Nic never found him, their love for him remains the same. The next day, Nic and The Man returned to The Shire and WFW sailed off to the Undying Lands. Nic had Punkin stowed away on the ship but WFW found him (he was yelling as usual) and threw him overboard; She can only assume he made it back to shore safely.

Upon hearing that a certain loud cat made an appearance on the blog, another cat demanded to be included.



But that, is another story...The End.